Wednesday, October 13, 2004

George Lucas - is he Satan?

Why must George Lucas do it? I watched Return of the Jedi last night with my lover and, incredibly, fell asleep during the Yoda death scene (intensely Jim Henson, you are) – much to my consternation – and awoke just as Luke escapes the Death Star Mark 2 with the remains of his father, Darth (or ‘Mr. Vader’, as I’m sure he’s known!). Up until now I had some qualms on Lucas’ remastering and tinkering – I mean, out of all sequences least deserving of extension, Jabba’s musical interludes stands out! Who needs orgasmic semi-Great Gig-esque pop music sung by an overweight single lip? Especially when its function seems to be to ‘lighten the mood’ and distract viewers from the sex-slave undertones of Jabba’s dragging the chained and bikini-ed alien girl towards his Tony Soprano sized libido! It is a travesty that George Lucas cannot leave well enough alone! The accompanying scene includes Boba Fett lasciviously caressing two of the backing singers to this awful musical intermission. Tasteless stuff!

However, my quivering rage is reserved for the closing scenes. As I said, I awoke to Luke’s fleeing the Death Star (Mark 2) and flying down to Endor (was it Endor?) to oh-so-solemnly burn his pops, after which he heads to the Ewok city to meet Solo and Leia. So far so-Jedi, but suddenly there is a new scene introduced where Luke flies over a remarkably advanced city (with no sign of any Ewok) to cheers of multitudes gathered below. This is a several-minute-long sequence of ‘Hail to the Chief’ cheering and applauding, possibly saluting the end of the Empire, whilst ignoring the errant Imperial star fighter flying overhead (how would they know Luke was inside?), and then he is on the bridge, hugging Han and Leia. The Ewok sequence is buffed up (though most CGI scenes throughout the movie are) – their city also looks more advanced and ‘futuristic’, and it includes a far longer and edgier dance track, followed by the most galling sequence ever committed to celluloid…

Luke turns from his ‘sister’ and friend to see Obi Wan and Yoda glow approvingly at him, and then beside them??? I can’t even bring myself to say it – lurks HAYDEN CHRISTIANSEN!! Beside Alec Guinness and Fraggle Rock, looking…can you believe it…sheepish!!! All but ahh-shucks scuffing his feet on the ground, and looking endearingly at Luke.

I feel ill, I really do! Why would they put a twenty-year-old man beside the older Alec and Big Bird? What explanation could there be?

But what I really want to know is (since I was asleep during the Emperor vs Luke scene, and have no real intention of watching this ‘remastered’ version again) whose face was under the mask when Luke finally took it off on the Death Star??

I close by saying DEATH TO GEORGE LUCAS. He has soiled the once-great empire of Star Wars and left in its place a cruel joke of a trilogy! I weep over the un-named Jedi’s grave……

P.S. Here's a photo of my gorgeous boyfriend!! I don't know who the gimp on the left is, though...!

5 comments:

al said...

its the original chubby dude with the scars on his mellon, so dont worry your dorkey ass too much.

Niall said...

I want royalties for using my pictures on your blog !!

Sarah Peace said...

Sorry, Niall! Would my eternal gratitude count as a royalty?

Failing that, I'll get Alan to clear whatever room you need - gratis!! Deal?

Niall said...

Deal

Conor said...

Man! That sounds like one heavy deal for poor Al!