And the Oscar goes to.....(how I did on predictions!)

Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio (Blood Diamond), Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson), Peter O'Toole (Venus), Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness), Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)

SHOULD: Leonardo DiCaprio & Forest Whitaker
WILL: Forest Whitaker
DID: Forest Whitaker

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine), Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children), Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond), Eddie Murphy (Dreamgirls), Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)

SHOULD: Djimon Hounsou & Alan Arkin
WILL: Alan Arkin
DID: Alan Arkin

Best Actress: Penélope Cruz (Volver), Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal), Helen Mirren (The Queen), Meryl Streep (The Devil Wears Prada), Kate Winslet (Little Children)

SHOULD: Helen Mirren
WILL: Helen Mirren
DID: Helen Mirren

Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza (Babel), Cate Blanchett (Notes on a Scandal), Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine), Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls), Rinko Kikuchi (Babel)

SHOULD: Abigail Breslin
WILL: Adriana Barraza
DID: Jennifer Hudson

Animated Feature: Cars, Happy Feet, Monster House.

SHOULD: Happy Feet
WILL: Happy Feet
DID: Happy Feet

Cinematography: The Black Dahlia, Children of Men, The Illusionist, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Prestige.

SHOULD: Pan’s Labyrinth
WILL: Pan’s Labyrinth
DID: Pan’s Labyrinth

Costume Design: Curse of the Golden Flower, The Devil Wears Prada, Dreamgirls, Marie Antoinette, The Queen.

SHOULD: Dreamgirls
WILL: The Queen
DID: Marie Antoinette

Best Director: Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, The Queen, United 93.

SHOULD: Martin Scorsese
WILL: Martin Scorsese
DID: Martin Scorsese

Documentary: Deliver us from Evil, An Invonvenient Truth, Iraq in Fragments, Jesus Camp, My Country My Country.

SHOULD: An Inconvenient Truth
WILL: An Inconvenient Truth
DID: An Inconvenient Truth

Film Editing: Babel, Blood Diamond, Children of Men, The Departed, United 93.

SHOULD: Babel
WILL: Babel
DID: The Departed

Foreign Language Film: After the Wedding, Days of Glory (Indigénes), The Lives of Others, Pan’s Labyrinth, Water.

SHOULD: Apocalypto
WILL: Pan’s Labyrinth
DID: The Lives of Others

Makeup: Apocalypto, Click, Pan’s Labyrinth

SHOULD: Apocalypto
WILL: Apocalypto
DID: Pan’s Labyrinth

Best Picture: Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen.

SHOULD: The Departed
WILL: Little Miss Sunshine
DID: The Departed

Writing (Adapted Screenplay): Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Children of Men, The Departed, Little Children, Notes on a Scandal

SHOULD: The Departed
WILL: Notes on a Scandal
DID: The Departed


Writing (Original Screenplay): Babel, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Queen

SHOULD: Little Miss Sunshine
WILL: Little Miss Sunshine
DID: Little Miss Sunshine

And there we have it....another year, another Oscar. Some of my shoulds turned out to be dids, and I was happy to be put right on a few - who could have seen 'The Departed' doing THAT well? I'm delighted for Scorsese...it is a well deserved sweeping!! Disappointed that Pan's Labyrith didn't get Best Foreign Language, and wasn't bothered on costumes anyway. I'm also disappointed that Jennifer Hudson got Best Supporting Actress, even though I haven't seen the movie. Don't really know why!! And as for Best Documentary? It could never have gone another direction - well done Al Gore!!

Can't wait to see the highlights tonight, as no terrestrial channel showed it last night, so I couldn't stay up late to watch them. See how Ellen got on...

Until next year............

Barca bow down to superior Reds!

Bellamy: "You couldn't make up what has happened tonight. "I've not been reading the papers so I've not been too bothered what people say. All I wanted to do was make the most of the special atmosphere and the build up to the game. I've been reasonably lucky in football, playing for my country and other big clubs, but this is my best moment in the game."

John Arne Riise: "We knew we needed to enjoy it out there and believe in ourselves. To be fair we started the game very well. They scored but we knew that if we worked hard we would get a goal back. The boss has shown tonight that, tactically, he's one of the best around."

All Hail Rafa!

Could this be another year, another song needed?

We won it six times........

we won it six TTIIIIMMEEEESSS........

In Atheeeeeennnsss.........

We won it six times!

We all dream of a team of Carraghers!

Carra hoping for another Barca blowout...And so say all of us, J.C.!!

Liverpool's excellent record at the Nou Camp sets us up nicely for a confident game tonight!

From www.liverpoolfc.tv:

'The club have never conceded a goal on three previous visits to the famous stadium and Carragher knows a similar shut-out in the first leg of this year's last 16 clash would provide the Reds with a great chance to progress.

"We've had some good results in the past and I'm sure 0-0 would be considered a good score this time as well," he said. "We're playing against the European champions and against a side who went close to becoming world champions as well, so we know it's going to be difficult.

"We've had ten days since our last match and we went to Portugal to prepare for this game, so we are ready. The important thing on the night is to play well and stay focused because Barcelona have top quality players. "It's going to be a great occasion for everybody involved and we are all looking forward to it."

Despite Barcelona's poor result at Valencia at the weekend, Carragher isn't subscribing to the thought that this is a great time for the Reds to be taking on Frank Rijkaard's men. "I've been watching them a lot lately and I don't see much wrong," he said. "They controlled much of the game against Valencia and were probably a bit unlucky. They're still top of their league so there can't be that much wrong.

"They're a top side but, as with every side, they have weaknesses and that's what we've been working on trying to exploit. We know what we have to do on the night and now it's up to us to enjoy playing in one of the world's great stadiums and make sure we get the right result."

COME ON THE POOL!!!

Shame on you BAFTA!

Memories of school come flooding back....it's not as if I've ever had to find 'x' in my adult life.

On the upside to life, watched 'Pan's Labyrinth' on DVD last night, and a brilliant episode of Top Gear on BBC.

Then watched the BAFTA's. I've to write a thingy on it for the BBC website, and had a 'winning' line, which Alan says I can't use..."ugly back-slappery that rears it's colonial head at times like these"

...because, basically, he says that I'm being 'down' on the British, and the BBC is pretty much Britain's flagship of media.

Ah well, I have a blog to vent, so vent I shall!

Paul Greengrass Best Director? The ugly back-slappery that rears it's colonial head at times like these completely invalidates any further awards the BAFTA's see fit to hand out. To say that United 93 - a 'made-for-telly-tearjerker' - was the best directed movie of 2006 calls doubt on any system of encouragement the British establishment creates.

Shame on you, BAFTA!

Ode to the train journey that is slowly slipping away from me...

Train 4 from Moscow to Beijing was surprisingly modern, clean and comfortable. With at least 50 westerners aboard, as well as plenty of people from Russia, China and Poland, there was a pleasant party atmosphere all the way.

For the first 3 days, the train travels across the vastness of Siberia, passing from Europe to Asia 1,777km east of Moscow.

On day 4, the train rounds Lake Baikal, the deepest fresh water lake in the world, with excellent views of the lake. In summer, the countryside appears green and pleasant, though in some parts the permafrost lies only inches below the surface.

On day 5, after passing through Mongolian customs late at night, you wake up to a complete change of scenery: Grassy steppe, covered in dew, giving way South of Ulan Bator (Mongolia's capital) to the open wastes of the Gobi Desert. Look out for camels and 'yurts' - the circular tents used by Mongolian nomads.

Reaching the Chinese frontier at midnight to the sound of triumphant martial music played at full volume over the station loudspeakers, the train is taken away and jacked up to have its bogies changed from Russian 5' gauge to standard (4'8½") gauge. You can remain on board or wander round the station while this is being done.

A Russian restaurant car (left) is attached to the train for the first four days, a Mongolian restaurant car (middle) is available for day 5, and an excellent Chinese restaurant car (right) is available on day 6.

The next and last day, the train crosses the mountains north of Beijing, passing through the Great Wall of China itself at Qinglongqiao.

Arrival at Beijing's main station on day 6.

Adapted from www.seat61.com

Heeeeeeere's JACKY!!

No Oscar nom for my man, but he's still my favourite...can't wait to hear him laugh in the front row come Oscar night (hopefully there WILL be some laughs - Oscar host Ellen Degeneres is NOT that bloody funny!!).

Got the photo from perezhilton.com, and he did his usual little stupid 'coke' thing on the face. That guy's a sap!! But I loved Jacky's espression SO much, that I decided to use it anyway!!!

LOVE YA JACKY!

Reaction to the Oscar Noms

Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio (Blood Diamond), Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson), Peter O'Toole (Venus), Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness), Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)

Hmmm – this year’s a toughy! I want Leonardo DiCaprio AND Forest Whitaker to get it…and they both deserve it! Ryan Gosling is a welcome nomination, but he won’t get the Oscar – he’s just too darn Canadian and low key in his brilliance! Will Smith and Peter O’Toole are both slight spanners in the works, as Smith is just DYING for that Oscar, and Oscy-baby knows it! O’Toole, on the other hand, is just plain dying (ba-da-boom-chiiii)…always the bridesmaid, never the bride!

SHOULD: Leonardo DiCaprio & Forest Whitaker
WILL: Forest Whitaker

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine), Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children), Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond), Eddie Murphy (Dreamgirls), Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)

Oscar is just so unpredictable when it comes to sentimentality…we could see Eddie Murphy getting this damn statue JUST for doing something that didn’t involve the ‘Axel Foley’ laugh!! However, I think it’s a three-horse race between Alan Arkin, Mark Walberg and Djimon Hounsou. Of the three, I though Djimon’s performance is most Oscar-worthy, with Alan Arkin coming in second, and Mark holding up the rear with a brilliant-but-just-not-Oscar-worthy jobby. Mark will only get it if Scorsese doesn’t bag director or picture. Again, I’m tied for shoulds!!

SHOULD: Djimon Hounsou & Alan Arkin
WILL: Alan Arkin

Best Actress: Penélope Cruz (Volver), Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal), Helen Mirren (The Queen), Meryl Streep (The Devil Wears Prada), Kate Winslet (Little Children)

Well, who are we kidding here? It’s gonna be Helen Mirren. And, for once, I’m gonna agree! Her portrait of an icon was by all accounts touching and emotive, but reserved and disciplined – a hard act to follow! Obviously I’d be thrilled if Penélope got it…or my little fav Kate Winslet, but I really think things are gonna come up Mirren on this one!

SHOULD: Helen Mirren
WILL: Helen Mirren

Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza (Babel), Cate Blanchett (Notes on a Scandal), Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine), Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls), Rinko Kikuchi (Babel)

Right. Firstly, Abaigail – was there anything cuter in cinema this year? Or more earnest? But Oscar doesn’t do child actors very often, so my money is on a tight run between the two Babel girls. By all accounts, Rinko’s character is a tightly wrought piece of controversial acting, and Adriana’s is beautiful and distraught. Hmm – toughy! I don’t think Jennifer Hudson will get an OSCAR for her performance…Golden Globe sections are one thing, where they reward musicals and comedy, but Oscar is quite another.

SHOULD: Abigail Breslin
WILL: Adriana Barraza

Animated Feature: Cars, Happy Feet, Monster House.

God, crap year for Animated Features, eh?!?!? I reckon the penguins will sweep it. They probably deserve it too…I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t seen any of them!

SHOULD: Happy Feet
WILL: Happy Feet

Cinematography: The Black Dahlia, Children of Men, The Illusionist, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Prestige.

God, what a pile in there! And where’s Apocalypto?? Mel really shot himself in the foot with that outburst during the year!! I think probably Pan’s Labyrinth will get it. I’m a big fan of Children of Men and The Prestige, but I think they’re just in this category for the hell of it.

SHOULD: Pan’s Labyrinth
WILL: Pan’s Labyrinth

Costume Design: Curse of the Golden Flower, The Devil Wears Prada, Dreamgirls, Marie Antoinette, The Queen.

All the costumes are quite similar in this little group, apart from The Devil, which is more contemporary. Musicals tend to be the most lavish, so Dreamgirls is certainly in for a shot, but I wouldn’t put it past The Queen to get this one.

SHOULD: Dreamgirls
WILL: The Queen


Best Director: Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, The Queen, United 93.

Come on! The Departed, obviously!! Brilliant stuff that no sitting-on-a-bloody-plane-terror can surpass! Babel could sweep in there, but another cut-and-paste jobby would wreck my head…give him editing instead! And by sweet bippy, if Clint gets it again then this is the LAST Oscar ceremony I’ll bloody watch!!!

SHOULD: Martin Scorsese
WILL: Martin Scorsese

Documentary: Deliver us from Evil, An Invonvenient Truth, Iraq in Fragments, Jesus Camp, My Country My Country.

An Inconvenient Truth needs to win this! It is a fantastically put together documentary, as well as giving a wonderful insight into the world that could have been were it not for a botched Florida count.

SHOULD: An Inconvenient Truth
WILL: An Inconvenient Truth

Film Editing: Babel, Blood Diamond, Children of Men, The Departed, United 93.

God, Babel should definitely get this. Stringing together three diverse stories into one coherent tale needs a strong hand in the editing room. However, things could go towards United 93, just to give it something. Hopefully not, though!

SHOULD: Babel
WILL: Babel

Foreign Language Film: After the Wedding, Days of Glory (Indigénes), The Lives of Others, Pan’s Labyrinth, Water.

Where the hell is Apocalypto?? Or Volver??? OK, Pan’s Labyrinth deserves it, but could we not at least have some appropriate competition?

SHOULD: Apocalypto
WILL: Pan’s Labyrinth

Makeup: Apocalypto, Click, Pan’s Labyrinth

Hmmm. Apocalypto could get this little pat on the back just to give it something. Pan’s probably deserves it more, because it has that character’s evolution.

SHOULD: Apocalypto
WILL: Apocalypto

Best Picture: Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen.

I have my suspicions on this one. I really think that Scorsese’s gonna get director, which means they may not give him this one. And, actually, I think that Little Miss Sunshine IS a better ‘Best Film’ for this category, even though I loved The Departed. I think Oscar will want to give it to the little-engine-that-could of Little Miss. Of course, things could go horribly wrong, with Oscar divided on the two, and it could slip between two stools and go to one of the others! Aaarrrggghhh!!

SHOULD: The Departed
WILL: Little Miss Sunshine

Writing (Adapted Screenplay): Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Children of Men, The Departed, Little Children, Notes on a Scandal

It’s not going to go to Borat, that’s for sure. I’m thinking a toss up between The Departed and Notes on a Scandal. And I think The Departed was a great script ,so I’m gonna hope for it to win!
SHOULD: The Departed
WILL: Notes on a Scandal

Writing (Original Screenplay): Babel, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Queen

Wonder will they give it to Clint, so as the film gets SOMETHING! Hmmm….they could do it, the slimey fecks!! Of course, Babel has the complicated script, so they could feel intellectual voting it. I think Little Miss might take this one. It’s a very funny, quirky script in the indie-type movie Oscar just falls in love with.

SHOULD: Little Miss Sunshine
WILL: Little Miss Sunshine

OH....and P.S.

I also got a mention on the homepage of the Film Ireland website for my review of the Darklight Compedium Vol. 1 DVD.....

www.filmireland.net

As Nerea said, I'm on FIRE this week!!

Ha ha!

Blowing my own trumpet...

Well, yet again I have my boyfriend to thank for another progression in my life!! He constantly pushes me to do things I wouldn't normally do, so THANK YOU ALAN!! He sent me a link to a competition on the BBC website for people to write a piece on movies of 2006 with a view to becoming an online Oscar panelist for the BBC website. Well, just as the whistle blew on the fantastic Liverpool whoomping of Chelsea on Saturday, I got a phone call from the BBC to say that I am one of the six.

Here's the 100-word max. entry that got me a place on the website:

2006? Blockbuster Bond returned with brightened hair, smashing pre-conceptions that blondness means blandness. 'Little Miss Sunshine' wowed cynics with a musical display mixing humour and a squirming mortification not seen since 'Napoleon Dynamite'. Politically, 'Syriana' astounded, 'United 93' overwrought, 'The Wind That Shakes The Barley' stung...we still care, even though we are doomed (according to Gore!). Documadness from 'Grizzly Man' and 'Borat' elevated a filmtastic year – not to mention a Scorcese return to form with 'The Departed'. A ferocious mind-bender, this was my definite movie of 2006 – golden statue finally beckons? Maybe if Dirty Harry stays home this Oscar night...!

So, post phonecall I had to write a short piece on my predictions for the Oscars. Thanks to being snowed in on Monday, I had to do it from home, and use a crappy picture from my laptop...not my best side, let me tell you!!

Here's a link to what went up on the website:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/6286925.stm

Now I've to write my reaction to the predictions - so I'll publish that piece here too. Woo, and indeed, Hoo!

Love, huh?

Why do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

...how you always make me laugh
...how cute you look ALL THE TIME
...how funny you can be (subtly different to just 'making me laugh')
...how much of a good time I have with you
...how intelligent you are
...how even the fact that you don't want to talk to people or learn about their lives doesn't stop you from being a bloody friendly guy (ha ha)
...how gorgeously sexy you are
...the way you make me feel
...the way you earn more money than me and sometimes do stuff like pay for my train ticket

There's my little 'ode to Alan'. Feeling good about my man on a Friday morning!

Love you Al!!

Come on the Garden County!!!

For the first time in a laaaahhhhooonnnggg time, we can be proud of Wicklow GAA! Bloody hell - when have we faced Dublin before with such hope (and with such a manager - go on Mick!)?? Not in my lifetime, I can tell thee!!

So, come on Wicklow - make us proud!

Go on Beckham!!

Ha ha ha - tis all over the internet (well, someone clean it up then!!) I'm sure they'll like it over there........

Kila Gig Photos - har de frickin har!

The two happiest eejits in Rush!!

Check out my sexy boyfriend (on the right, obviously!!)!! The two cockiest feckers in Rush, eh?! Can you read the poster??? Well, Kelly (who is on the left) stands next to a poster advertising his band, and my gorgeous Alan (on the right) stands next to a poster advertising HIS DJing set!!

Oh, the synchronicity of it all!

St. Stephen's Night '06 - a delightful night spent in the company of these two delightful men!!

Why my whistle-blowing Brion is a hero!!

The Sunday Times December 10, 2006

Doubts over charity worker 'delay' humanitarian award
Colin Doyle

AND the winner of the Meteor Humanitarian Award for 2007 is . . . not Mike Meegan. The prestigious award, previously won by Bono, Elton John and the aid worker Adi Roche, was to have been bestowed next February on Meegan, an international director of Icross, a developing-world charity. But organisers have told the aid worker that he will not be given the prize, which comes with a €100,000 cheque, at next year’s Meteor Music Awards. He may be given it in 2008 instead. Organisers say they changed their minds due to concerns that Meegan is about to part company with the aid agency he founded. But the charity boss was also embroiled in controversy earlier this year when it emerged he overstated his academic qualifications in an attempt to win a €2m grant from the US National Institutes of Health, for a study into home care for Aids sufferers.

Justin Green of MCD, the music-promotion company that organises the awards, has denied Meegan was passed over for the award because of the controversy. “The award recognises people who change lives, not people with postgraduate degrees. It didn’t have an influence. We hope to be able to give Mike the award next year,” Green said. MCD confirmed that a different winner has now been chosen for the show on February 1.

Meegan said he was disappointed that Icross’s infant mortality and child survival programme won’t benefit from the award, but vowed to continue his work. “I was delighted to be considered, but we are not in Africa for awards,” he said. Rebecca Burrell, a director of Icross, confirmed that the charity is currently restructuring. “We are a small charity and €100,000 is a huge donation, but the award is given in a personal capacity, not to a particular charity,” she said.

Meegan, who is based in the remote village of Majiwa in western Kenya, confirmed he is considering his future role in Icross after an organisational review. The charity boss hopes to play a greater role in lobbying politicians. “We want to Africanise the administration,” he said. Meegan’s work in East Africa earned him an International Person of the Year Award in 2003 and an honorary degree from NUI Galway earlier this year. An RTE documentary, When You Say 4,000 Goodbyes, chronicles his efforts to fight Aids in Kenya and Tanzania. It has picked up awards in America. The Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland has collaborated on a number of Icross’s African projects, saying it was impressed by Meegan’s “low-tech, evidence-based, sustainable solutions”.

But his reputation was dealt a blow in the summer, when it emerged that Meegan, who is listed with the title doctor on Icross’s website, had received his doctorate from Knightsbridge University, which trades from a post-box address in Denmark and is not recognised by the Danish government.

An official biography prepared for a US conference also claimed that Meegan had a PhD from Trinity College, Dublin in medical anthropology, although the university confirmed last week it could find no record of his place on the course. He eventually lost the American grant over concerns about his academic achievements. The charity boss now says he has a masters in community health from Trinity College and confirms that he pursued a correspondence course with Knightsbridge. “I was in the remote bush in rural Africa with no phones or electricity. It was done in good faith and examined by a qualified supervisor. As it turns out, it was not especially useful,” he said. In 2002 USAID, a US government body, asked Price Waterhouse Coopers to carry out an audit of the organisation’s Kenyan accounts after it became concerned that funds were being mismanaged. The inquiry found that the charity had a number of “internal control weaknesses”. Meegan would have joined an illustrious list of humanitarian workers had he been given the award. Over six years the recipients have included Fr Peter McVerry, Sr Stanislaus Kennedy and Christina Noble, as well as Roche, Bono and Elton John.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

So this is Christmas, eh? And what HAVE we done?!?! Well, quite a lot actually, so there's hope for the human race yet....

We just need to hang on a bit longer, and make a difference in everything we do. Simple as that, eh?

Anyway, Happy Christmas everyone, and remember those less fortunate this year....there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time.

Some pics of the recent (summer) visit to the home of the Weldini

The truth about 911

Last night I watched a movie, and I feel like I've been woken up - that I've been asleep for the past five years. Those of you who know me know that I have a vast array of conspiracy theories and crack-pot ideas as to what governments get up to behind people's backs.

Last night it was all confirmed for me, and in the most shocking way.

How often can you say that something you have seen, or something someone else has done, can change you? In this time of bleak outlook, when the pervading feeling seems to be 'how can just one of us make a difference in this world', this movie marks a stepping stone towards revolution.

How can one person make a difference? Well, for a start, you can watch this movie. Giving the truth, or at least presenting the facts, of what really happened on September 11th 2001 in the most free country on earth. The man who created this movie has set in motion a chain of events that will cause an uprising against the government if it is spread to enough people.

Which is where we all come in. Watch this movie, share this movie. Copy it onto disc, give it to your friends and family, hand it out to strangers in the street.

Contact your college's cinema society and urge them to screen it in your campus.

Get the word out there, and show people what's really happening in this world of smoke-screens and greed.

The truth of 911 is out there, and it's not pretty.

See http://www.loosechange911.com

Do it now!!!!!!

Irish Living

Number 1: There's a European Court case going on at the moment (today) which could end up giving a judgment that people buying alcohol or tobacco in other European countries should only pay the duty of THAT country, and not their own. Basically it will mean, if it passes, that you could order cartons of cigarettes from Latvia, where they are 7 times cheaper than here, and have them delivered without having to pay excise. Or you could order bottles of vodka from Spain, where they cost a third of the price, and have them sent to your over-priced Irish home. You can buy crates of wine from France, where they are about an eight of the price, and have it all delivered without having to pay our over-the-top Irish duty. So fingers crossed on that judgment, eh? Of course, all the governments are arguing the case on health grounds - i.e., it's detrimental to people's health to have access to that much drink and cancer-sticks, so they're only protecting us from ourselves by charging such high prices!!

Nothing to do with the 2 billion a year Ireland makes on alcohol and ciggies duty, oh no!

Number 2: The M50 was so bad last night that people were abandoning their cars and peeing in ditches, or running out of petrol and having to just leave the car! One person took three hours to get three miles. Another woman, who I heard on the radio, left Clondalkin at 5.10, and got to her house in Bray at 8.45 that night. How nuts is that?!?! People were going absolutely crazy, and it was all because of a hole in the road to fix a burst water main.........'emergency' works, that just HAD to be done at rush hour!!
Even though they knew about it Tuesday evening.

They informed the Gardaí, but didn't think to tell AA roadwatch or the radio stations, so that people could be warned to avoid the area.

There'll be murder over this!! When will this country catch on to the continental/better way of doing things – roadworks during the night, when there’s no mental traffic!! How much traffic-jams/sanity/deaths would THAT save?

I'm a terrible person.

I wonder does anyone else play psychological games on public transport, to while away the boring commute? You know the kind – a crowded Luas/Train/Bus, and people start to get a little antsy. The leaner – the ignorant git who refuses to hold on to any bar, and just leans against your back. I like to allow the leaning, and then step suddenly to the side. They stumble backwards, and look embarrassed…success. I also enjoy the seat-race, when a seat becomes free equidistant from you and the opposition, and a race-that-pretends-not-to-be-a-race begins as you both move nonchalantly towards it. I could go on, but you get the gist of my sad little world, and that’s really not what this moan is about.

I travel the Luas – Sandyford line, the nightmare run. I’m about to say something terrible, something that will have most people thinking I am a prejudice toad – but this is my only section-of-society-that-I-can’t-stand flaw, I swear! I have a thing about Southsiders…I dislike them on sight, and they are ‘guilty until proven innocent’ as far as being decent people is concerned. I have friends who would be considered Southsiders, but it took some time for us to actually make it to friendship – some time, and some serious effort!

Now, I’m not talking about people from the South of Dublin when I say Southsiders, because ‘Southsiders’ can come from anywhere outside of this postal code – Smithfield, Swords, Wicklow Town, Meath. I’m talking about that West-Brit class of people who say ‘Dort’ instead of Dart, ‘Gorda’ instead of Garda and consider six inches of make-up, heavily-straightened-then-tousled hair, orange tan, and Ugg boots with O’Neills tracksuits the height of style. Those morons typified by their slavish regard for labelled clothes, and their air of money. The type of people who talk very loudly to each other about Fiachra and Marie-Claire, and what they got up to at this, like, totally crazy party they all went to Sunday night. The ones who buy SUV’s for a life in the centre of the city, and proceed to cause traffic every morning by driving their precious one child half a mile to school. Where does this accent come from? What is wrong with their brains that they can’t get past the most superficial of conversation topics? Why do they consider the GHD to be a must-have in any make-up bag?

I have to stand with them every day on the Luas, people who make my skin crawl with their total disregard for world events, or even for happenings in their own country. So sickeningly benign in their superficial lives, they look forward to a life of ease – prep school, followed by Trinners-for-Winners, followed by a year out to travel (paid for by Daddy) so that they can, like, totally see the world, you know? and really live like common people, followed by marriage to a surgeon/dentist/financier/stockbroker for the women, or blond, fake-tanned, lady-what-lunches for the men. It’s a world that beggars my belief totally – how someone can move through life so totally convinced of their own importance, yet contributing nothing to the world around them. Paying lip service to charity and democracy, while simultaneously slipping bribes to the council to add a second extension to their house, and pricing the rest of us out of the property market by buying third and fourth homes. Their world is one of selfishness and artifice, and they will be first against the wall when the revolution comes.

And then I won’t have to squash up next to them on my Luas journey.

Funny thing is, I'm not even afraid of spiders

The Story of my Morning

Alarm goes off at 5.50, I turn it off and go back to sleep. Alarm goes off at 6.00. I wake up, lay in bed thinking 'God, it's getting late, I'd better get up since I still have to wash my hair'.

Alarm goes off at 6.05, and I am pleasantly surprised, because I thought it was later.

Get towel, and go up to the bathroom. Have a bath in bathroom, with shower, so that you can kneel beside the bath and just wash your hair with the shower head when you are too lazy/cold/frightened to have a full shower.

This is my plan.

Bunch of towels lying over the bath from previous users. One of them is lying inside the bath, and will get wet if I wash my hair. I grab this offending towel with just a touch of annoyance and pull it out of the bath. HUGE black thing flips into the air and nearly lands on me, but just misses and falls back on the rest of the towels. I look down to see what it is. At the precise moment where screeching horror music would kick in, I see that it's a GIGANTIC black spider...and I mean huge! Pretty much the same size, if not bigger, than the one that almost knifed me in my sitting room a few weeks ago.

The kind of spider that looks like it traps small aeroplanes in its web instead of flies.

I let out a blood-curdling scream but, since my parents dwell in a completely different part of the house, nobody comes to my rescue. I go to get a magazine to kill the spider, even though it would be like swatting a small dog. I return to the bathroom and stand on the toilet so that he can't run out of the towels, over my bare feet, and up my pyjama leg. I have the distinct impression that if this were to happen, I might actually die of panic. I try to swat him with the magazine, but the towels are cushioning the blow, and I can't get a clear hit. It seems like I'm just angering him. Suddenly, one of my whacks glances, and he bounces off, nearly landing on the toilet with me. I slip in my efforts not to let his hairy leggy body touch me, and nearly fall off the toilet, which suddenly seems unnaturally high.

I can't take it anymore. I throw all the towels onto the ground in a wild hysteria, with him hopefully trapped in their folds, then give the soft bundle a few quick stamps. I manically intake breath, then run out of the bathroom and slam the door, never to return.

I am forced to take a shower in my parents en suite.

Bono the Tax Avoider? Who needs a superhero name...!!

Courtesy of www.perezhilton.com

"Bono, Tax Avoider: The hypocrisy of U2"

A familiar paradox about leftist celebrities in the entertainment industry is that their embrace of progressivism almost never includes a wholehearted embrace of progressive taxation, i.e., the principle that the richer you get, the larger the percentage of your income you ought to pay in taxes. The latest example is U2's Bono, a committed and unusually sophisticated anti-poverty crusader who is taking surprisingly little heat for the decision by his band, U2, to relocate its music-publishing business from Ireland to the Netherlands in order to shelter its song writing royalties from taxation.

The irony was stated in admirably stark terms by Bloomberg's Fergal O'Brien, who reported on Oct. 16:

Bono, the rock star and campaigner against Third World debt, is asking the Irish government to contribute more to Africa. At the same time, he's reducing tax payments that could help fund that aid.

"Preventing the poorest of the poor from selling their products while we sing the virtues of the free market ... that's a justice issue," Bono said at a prayer breakfast attended by President Bush, Jordan's King Abdullah, and various members of Congress earlier this year. Preaching this sort of thing has made Bono a perennial candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. He continued:

Holding children to ransom for the debts of their grandparents ... that's a justice issue. Withholding life-saving medicines out of deference to the Office of Patents ... that's a justice issue.

And relocating your business offshore in order to avoid paying taxes to the Republic of Ireland, where poverty is higher than in almost any other developed nation? Bono's hypocrisy seems even more naked when you consider that Ireland is a tax haven for artists. In June 2005, Bono (who was born in Dublin) told the Belfast Telegraph:

Our publishing, which is about one third of our income, we have tax breaks on, and that's great and that's encouraged us to stay in Ireland and if that changes, it's not going to affect anything for U2. ...

Six months later, Ireland's finance minister announced a ceiling of $319,000 on tax-free incomes, and six months after that, U2 opened its Amsterdam office. The relocation of U2's music publishing will halve taxes on the band's song writing royalties, which already reportedly total $286 million. Although Bono has declined to comment on the move, the band's lead guitarist, David "the Edge" Evans, said, "Of course we're trying to be tax-efficient. Who doesn't want to be tax-efficient?'" Writing in the Observer, Nick Cohen noted that Evans "sounded as edgy as a plump accountant in the 19th hole."

U2's tax-shelter scheme caused uproar in Ireland when the story broke there in August. But it's scarcely raised a ripple in the United States. A conservative would argue that's because in this country, we don't begrudge a man the opportunity to keep what he earns off the sweat of his brow (or even off the sweat of someone else's brow) ... even if that man spends half his time trying to goad governments into spending more to alleviate poverty. But a liberal could answer that in the United States, we are so used to seeing rich people avoid taxation that even a wealthy hypocrite who shelters his cash abroad can no longer qualify as news.

Posted November 4, 2006
www.perezhilton.com

Why I hate Nestlé

Dear Nestlé,

It feels funny writing ‘dear’, since nothing about your company is ‘dear’ except the pricing of your inferior goods. However, to be formal, I will bow to convention and address you as above. I’ve been boycotting your products for many years now – since I was 12, in fact. I won’t lie to you, it has had its harder moments, and I have had slippages. During a Lentan fast to raise money for Concern, I snuck a Drifter from the tuck shop in school, and a couple of months ago I bought a packet of Jelly Tots, forgetting that your nefarious reach has now also tainted Rowntrees.

Despite these slips, I feel that I have conducted myself well in the boycott – explaining my choice to as many people as possible, and finding some very willing to follow suit and join the good fight. What follows is my testimony as to why I continue with the battle, even in the face of continued rise in earnings for your company.

One of the more arrant corporate wrongs perpetrated on the third world poor has been to encourage young mothers to purchase expensive baby formula to feed their newborn babies. Nestlé, being the Swiss corporate giant you are, did this through incredibly unsubtle and irresponsible marketing techniques. Giving the poor hospitals of Africa beautiful multicoloured brochures of young mothers in radiantly clean modern rooms of white, feeding their attractive babies, with their model husbands standing by to embrace mother and child lovingly. Along with this fantastic brochure, these young mothers got a few bags of the baby formula for free. So far, you are performing to standard, Nestlé – for what are you offering that isn’t needed? Well, for one thing, breastfeeding is relegated to a second place option, and the mother now feels that to give her baby the best in life, she must purchase this formula. For another thing, the formula is very expensive – so expensive, in fact, that a mother might starve herself or her other children to buy the baby formula, so that she can live up to this perfect model of motherhood given to her in the promotional brochure.

Areas of Africa most beset by poverty have no clean supply of water, and labour under a general lack of knowledge within the population as to the health risks associated with drinking tainted supplies. The lack of information given to these young mothers causes them to mix the baby formula with this water, choosing this First World food over her own healthier, and more sanitary, breast milk. Even in instances where the water is clean, to make the formula last longer the mother will often water it down rather than force another expense upon her and her family. Whatever pathetic nutritional value the formula had now becomes nonexistent, and puts the child at risk of malnutrition. The situation with dirty water can bring on acute and chronic conditions on babies, which can last the rest of their lives, and in particularly horrific situations, can bring about the death of a newborn.

The World Health Organisation has consistently admonished Nestlé for their advertising practices in Africa. The advertising laws in relation to the selling of baby milk formula clearly attempt to prevent companies from:

1. Advising the use of baby milk products instead of breast milk.
2. Comparing the products to breast milk
3. Advertising alternatives to breast milk without providing sufficient information in that advertisement.

You contravene international marketing laws by printing your packaging instructions in English, and you do not advise young mothers on the necessity of using clean water – does human life not matter to you? Obviously not, since you continue to present your be-pictured brochures showing these uneducated, frightened, young mothers that formula is better than breast milk, and you skirt laws by never blatantly saying it within the pages – just leave them with the suggestion that life is better with Nestlé. You continue with your plan to prey on the poor and uninformed, leaving death and disease in your wake, and I refuse to support you by buying your products.

Other just as valid reasons for my total hatred of your company and everything you stand for are as follows:

Your children's cereals are incredibly expensive, and have a huge amount of added sugar. The sugar content of Honey Nut Cheerios, for example, runs at 35.2% - over a third of the total. They also contain overly generous helpings of salt – using Honey Nut Cheerios as an example again, a recommended serving will give me half a gram of salt, which is quite a large portion of my recommended six grams for the whole day…from a sweet cereal! This wouldn’t bother me so much, except that your advertising consistently shouts that they are healthy and have added vitamins…synthetic vitamins that you add after you have over processed the cereal, removing the natural vitamins. Examples of some of your horrible-sounding ingredients are: Partially Inverted Brown Sugar Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil, Trisodium Phosphate, Flavouring, Antioxidant, Tocopherols. What you say is healthy is really just, let’s be honest, crap, and you can give away as many school books as you want, and claim to support children’s wellbeing as much as you like, but my children will not be eating your cereals.

Your company treats coffee farmers across the world abominably, despite attempts by right-minded individuals to make the coffee trade a fairer one. Millions of people are out of work by your refusal to trade fairly or to concede any ground at all in your moneyed interests. You bully powerless people, you destroy businesses and you continue to refuse to include Fair Trade coffee in your range – declining to even give your own customers a choice.

Nestlé, you misrepresent the way you do business, and you cause immense suffering to real people around the world. You employ hundreds of marketing and advertising men to spin the truth, but why don’t you just try investing the thousands wasted on these spin-doctors back into the poor and dispossessed people you mistreat and bully?

As a conglomerate corporation, it drives me crazy that your dirty little fingers are in every pie, and seemingly intent on world domination. Coffee, chocolate, cereals, pet food, and soft drinks – you buy brands like penny sweets. I don't want to buy anything you have anything to do with, and I resent the fact that you're making it so difficult for me.

Your promotions are designed to blackmail parents into buying a nutritionally poor, ridiculously sweet cereal for their children's breakfasts. Books for kids, sponsored breakfast weeks – you, yet again, prey on those who know no better.

To summarise all of the above as succinctly as possible, everything you do is underhand and dirty, and I resent every attempt you make to wheedle your way into my supermarket trolley.

I check every packet, every label, for any hint of your name, and if it’s there – no matter how much I love Drifters, and miss Cheerios, and want Maybelline foundation – there is no way I will be purchasing your products. Nor will my children, my children’s children, or, if I have anything to do with it, my extended family, my neighbours, or my friends.

One way or another, it will all come back to you, Nestlé – and I will be in the cheering crowd when your back’s finally against the wall.

Yours sincerely, and with the intention of your eventual demise as a company,

Sarah Griffin.

_____________________________________________________
Some recognisable products that Nestlé own or part own
(taken from http://www.babymilkaction.org/pages/products.html).
It may surprise you how much they actually control:

Perrier, Vittel, Milo, Nesquik, Nestea, Rowntree ice creams, Ski yogurts, Sveltesse yogurts, Buitoni pasta & canned foods

Rowntrees Jellies, Cheerios & Honey Nut Cheerios, Cinnamon and Golden Grahams Clusters, Shreddies, Fitnesse, Shredded Wheat, Shreddies

Aero, After Eights, Animal Bar, Black Magic, Drifter, Fruit Pastilles, Jellytots, Kit Kat, Lion Bar, Milky Bar, Munchies, Quality Street, Rolo, Rowntrees Fruit Gums, Smarties, Toffee Crisp, Walnut Whip, Willy Wonka, Yorkie

Garnier, Colgate Dental Gum, Lancome, L'Oreal, Maybelline

Felix, Friskies, Winalot

DEATH TO SHELL OIL!

As my boycott of all things Shell enters it’s 14th year, I feel I should explain some of the reasons why, at an early age, I bullied my parents into driving past Shell stations to the next petrol stop, and why I refused to buy any products from Shell stations throughout my teen years, and why, since buying my car, I have driven on empty rather than pull in under their pathetically ‘clean-air’ evoking seashell sign.

It all began, as the Chemical Brothers put it, in Africa. A story I read in the Irish Times of protests in Nigeria led to my campaign, and I have extracted a paragraph from ‘The Other Shell Report 2003’ (http://gcmonitor.org//downloads/shellreport_behindtheshine.pdf), which explains it best:

Ken Saro-Wiwa
“Ken Saro-Wiwa was president of the Movement for the Survival of the Ogoni People (MOSOP), an organization fighting to defend the environmental and human rights of the Ogoni people.

Since the late 1950’s, Shell has been operating in Nigeria, extracting more than US$30 billion of oil and contaminating the farmland and fisheries of the Ogoni. Many of the fish and wildlife in the area have vanished. Ken Saro-Wiwa mobilized his people to demand compensation from Shell for oil spills on Ogoni farmland and in the wetlands, rivers, and streams of the Niger Delta. In January 1993, Ken brought together 300,000 Ogoni who took to the streets in the largest demonstration against an oil company in history.

In May 1994, Ken was abducted from his home and arrested with other MOSOP leaders for the alleged murder of four Ogoni leaders. In October 1995, despite the protests of people around the world, including government officials from other countries and human rights organizations such as Amnesty International, Ken and eight co-defendants were convicted by a military tribunal and hanged. Many Ogoni believe that the only crime committed by Ken Saro-Wiwa was his daring to stand up to Shell.”

“Ken Saro-Wiwa, a well-known Nigerian award-winning author and activist, was executed by the Nigerian government in 1995.”


At the moment, Shell is continuing it’s aggressively awful environmental policy around the world – extending their black fingers to Ireland. From www.shellfacts.com, here are some of the worst offences highlighted to the Shell AGM recently:

“In the Niger Delta, where Shell sources 10 per cent of its oil, the company's failure to invest in technology results in 700 millionscf/d of gas being burnt off into the environment, an increase on last year, despite a commitment to end flaring by 2008. Gas flaring wastes energy, contributes to global warming and pollutes the environment. But gas flaring has become an every-day feature for the communities in the Delta. Oil spills are also common - with 9,900 barrels of oil spilt in 2003. Oil spills are frequently left rather than cleaned up, contaminating farmland, water courses and fish supplies.

In Texas, Shell is facing legal action from the community living next door to its operations in Port Arthur who are literally sick of the pollution in their backyard. Some 1,200 residents are alleging air, soil and other contamination due to the release of "noxious fumes, vapours, odours and hazardous substances" from the Motiva refinery, which processes 235,000 barrels of oil a day.

Legal wrangles also face Shell in the Philippino capital Manila where the company's oil depot is sited in the centre of a residential community; and in Sao Paulo, Brazil, where the company stands accused of contaminating drinking water and causing serious health problems including cancers, infertility and respiratory diseases.

On the Caribbean island of Curaçao, Shell walked away from these problems, selling its refinery to the Government in 1985 after operating for more than 70 years. Pollution from the refinery has contaminated the small island which is surrounded by 20 km of coral reef, and severely damaged the health of the community with complaints of premature deaths, cancers, birth defects, bronchitis, skin diseases and asthma. Local residents are now campaigning to hold Shell liable.

In Louisiana, where community campaigner Margie Richard was this year awarded the Goldman Prize for her campaign for environmental justice from Shell, the community is still fighting for the right to health care after years of exposure to pollution from Shell's refinery in Norco. Shell responded by commissioning a study of community perceptions and not health.”
Sourced from http://www.shellfacts.com

So, it began with the deaths of innocents in Africa, and has continued through their abuses and waiving of international laws, and total disregard for human life. They trod on those who cannot fight back, and as usual the cry of those without a voice barely dints this First World. Therefore, I'll boycott Shell for as long as I can, and have recently added Statoil to my list of stations I will not support with my hard-earned money…since their jumping into bed with Shell on the Corrib gas line in Ireland.

DEATH TO SHELL OIL

STAND UP AND BE COUNTED!

Lumpenproletariat

Karl Marx felt that this class lacked the political consciousness required to lead a revolution. Newton (Black Panthers Party), on the other hand, was inspired by his reading of post-colonial theorist Frantz Fanon and his belief that the lumpen was of utmost importance, saying about these "brothers off the block" that, “If you didn't relate to these cats, the power structure would organize these cats against you.”

‘The “dangerous class,” the social scum, that passively rotting mass thrown off by the lowest layers of old society.’

Here we see Marx’s conception of the Lumpenproletariat, a group that stands on the very margins of the class system because they are not wholly integrated into the division of labour. They do not accept the idea of making their living by regular work. Thus, their position within society is not marked by the fact that they are unemployed but rather by the fact that they do not seek employment:

‘the lumpenproletariat, which in all big towns forms a mass sharply differentiated from the industrial proletariat, a recruiting ground for thieves and criminals of all kinds living on the crumbs of society, people without a definite trade, vagabonds, gens sans feu et sans aveu [men without hearth or home], varying according to the degree of civilization of the nation to which they belong, but never renouncing their lazzaroni character’.

Though they may be swept up by a proletarian revolution and are entirely capable of “the most heroic deeds and the most exalted sacrifices”, they are equally capable of “the barest banditry and the foulest corruption”, and are much more likely to play the part of “a bribed tool of reactionary intrigue.”

Essentially, they are a malleable populace that is generally tempted into service of sight, as opportunistic and exploitative as the finance aristocracy. “The finance aristocracy, in its mode of acquisition as well as in its pleasures, is nothing but the rebirth of the lumpenproletrait on the heights of bourgeois society”, Just like the aristocracy, the Lumpen live off society, rather than producing for it, existing as an entirely parasitic force.

The Black Panthers’ basic understanding of the Lumpenproletariat generally conforms to that of Marx. For Eldridge Cleaver, the Lumpenproletariat were those who had “no secure relationship or vested interest in the means of production and the institutions of a capitalist society.” His wife echoed a similar sentiment, stating that the black Lumpenproletariat had absolutely no stake in industrial America: “They existed at the bottom level of society…outside the capitalist system that was the basis for the oppression of black people.”

The Panthers included two distinct groups within the Lumpen. Firstly the “Industrial Reserve army”, who could not find a job, being unskilled and unfit, displaced by mechanization and never invested with new skills, forced to rely on Welfare or receiving State Aid. They consisted of ‘the millions of black domestics and porters, nurses’ aides and maintenance men, laundresses and cooks, sharecroppers, unpropertied ghetto dwellers, welfare mothers’ The second group were the so-called “Criminal Element”, who had similarly been locked out of the economy, and consisted of the ‘gang members and the gangsters, the pimps and the prostitutes, the drug users and dealers, the common thieves and murderers’.

The “Criminal Element” quite evidently displayed the key characteristics of the Lumpen, the parasite, “existing off that which they rip off”. However, the “Industrial Reserve Army” poses something of a problem, since a large proportion of this group consists of the working poor (although their jobs are “irregular and usually low paid’ they are the working poor all the same). But Marx explicitly stated that the Lumpenproletariat formed “a mass sharply differentiated from the industrial proletariat.” However, the Panthers viewed the line that separated the proletariat and the lumpen as tenuous and fragile, and this resulted in a blending of the two classes. Indeed, some historians have argued that the Panthers “envisioned a lumpen more akin to a subproletariat class” that lacked the parasitical aspects of the traditional lumpen sector.”

Amended version of paragraphs from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_panthers

Is ‘de-nuclearization’ a word?

The man himself, from www.whitehouse.gov

THE PRESIDENT: Last night the government of North Korea proclaimed to the world that it had conducted a nuclear test. We're working to confirm North Korea's claim. Nonetheless, such a claim itself constitutes a threat to international peace and security. The United States condemns this provocative act. Once again North Korea has defied the will of the international community, and the international community will respond.

This was confirmed this morning in conversations I had with leaders of China, and South Korea, Russia, and Japan. We reaffirmed our commitment to a nuclear-free Korean Peninsula, and all of us agreed that the proclaimed actions taken by North Korea are unacceptable and deserve an immediate response by the United Nations Security Council.

The North Korean regime remains one of the world's leading proliferator of missile technology, including transfers to Iran and Syria. The transfer of nuclear weapons or material by North Korea to states or non-state entities would be considered a grave threat to the United States, and we would hold North Korea fully accountable of the consequences of such action.
The United States remains committed to diplomacy, and we will continue to protect ourselves and our interests. I reaffirmed to our allies in the region, including South Korea and Japan, that the United States will meet the full range of our deterrent and security commitments.

Threats will not lead to a brighter future for the North Korean people, nor weaken the resolve of the United States and our allies to achieve the de-nuclearization of the Korean Peninsula. Today's claim by North Korea serves only to raise tensions, while depriving the North Korean people of the increased prosperity and better relations with the world offered by the implementation of the joint statement of the six-party talks. The oppressed and impoverished people of North Korea deserve that brighter future.

Thank you.
__________________________________________

The satire, courtesy of the brilliant www.whitehouse.org

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. Shortly before 10:30 this morning, I was roused from my bed by an assistant, and informed that North Korea's Kim Jong Il – the secretive, delusional egomaniac who only became a leader on account of his famous daddy (rolls eyes incredulously) – has announced his country's first-ever nukular weapon test.

Clearly, this a major, historicalistic development; the kind of crisis that makes folks hunger for the sort of rugged, pioneering, bulging-codpiece leadership they've come expect from me during the many, many absolute catastrophes I've caused or made worse. And though there were no cameras there to capture the moment, I want to assure America that I came through yet again: because when they told me that a crazy Chinkotronic leprechaun had the Bomb, only the teensy-weensiest little lump of Texas topsoil seeped out into the Presidential PJ's. (Thumbs up.)

I do confess that it came as a huge surprise that any component of my genius foreign policy wasn't worked perfectly. I mean, I thought I had it down to a science: rain wave after wave of horrific violence on spent, impotent dictators, while actively ignoring psychotic despots who are publicly promising to develop weapons of mass destruction. Who'd a thunk things could go wrong?

I'm reminded of "Terminator 2: Judgment Day?" You know the part where that tough chick with the big hoo-has is at the playground and she sees all the kids playing, and the starts rattling and banging on the fence trying to get their attention, and all the other mothers are just ignoring her because they think she's crazy, and then there's this huge explosive holocaust that kills everyone and turns the chick into a Kentucky Fried corpse, and the explosion takes out like an entire goddamn city, and you're like, "Whooooooa?" Great scene, right?

I always thought that if anyone in the real world was unleashing explosive holocausts, it would be ME, and the city would be actually be an bunch of caves or mosques or kimchee factories, or wherever evildoers live. (And the chick would have bigger tits.) But with today's developments in Koreastan, it turns out I was a little bit off the mark. Now, the city might be Jew York or Homowood, California, and explosion can be courtesy of some slanty-eyed nerd with a bad haircut.

And so tonight, I have a message for Kim Jong Il:
Listen up, Dogbreath – because I want to make one thing clear: Sure, you may have the Bomb. Sure, one of my first acts as President may have been dismantling the one treaty that could have convinced you it would be a bad idea to use it. Sure, I've been deliberately ignoring you like the smelly kid in class who always wears sweatpants, when all you've ever wanted in your life was for someone to give you five minutes of attention. But know this: you may feel like a big boy now that you've got some fancy nukes at your disposal, but I've got a pretty nifty trick of my own: nicknames. When I give a nickname to something, it sticks, and my new name for North Korea is "Iraq 2."

Yes, the USA Unilateral Pre-Emptive War Machine ball is already rolling, my friend. I got on the horn first thing this afternoon, and I started talking at some other world leaders, and I am using a combination of threats, brute force and complete ignorance about your country, culture, and people to alienate them as we speak. Soon, the only people with the will to stand up to you will be us and the Limeys, and you see how well we've done in Texraq. So give it up, you four-eyed Asiatic gopher! If you think I'm not up to the challenge of throwing wave after wave of the disposable lower class losers who make up the military I pretend to respect at your impregnable fortress of a country, you've got another thing coming. What do you think about that, you sissy little pygmy?

I'll be waiting for your reply. At a secret location. In a super, super-deep bunker. Snug and safe.

Good luck, America.


P.S. Have you typed the word 'failure' into Google lately? Perhaps you should....

Interim Bloggadoodle

OK, I’ve been out of things for a while – and haven’t got around to putting pen to paper, blog-style. OU exams are looming, so here’s a joke to keep my blogger fresh, while I pine around growing stale with study!

It’s a test with only one question, but it's a very important one…by giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally (which is important for us all to know). The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. Good luck.



THE SITUATION

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the Queen.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options--you can save the life of the Queen, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous women.




THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Electic Picnic, turns out I sorta DID know ye!

I can't bring myself to detail Electic Picnic as it deserves to be detailed...suffice to say, it is the yardstick by which other 'festivals' should measure themselves. Despite a lack of cushions in the cinema tent, the constant rain showers, and the arrival of tent crushing idiots who shall remain nameless - THOUGH YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! - despite all of these setbacks, I managed to have a bloody brilliant time, and saw some excellent music!!!

Highlights? OK then! Musically, the highlight was most definitely MC Mellie Mel - some old-school (literally) hip-hop, and general laughter to be had - danced like a wild thing, and enjoyed every slide-to-the-left-everybody-say-HEY moment! Cut Chemist then WOWED me with his skills (intense...), and I was also thrilled with the old stalwarts - Damo Rice and Lisa Hannigan. The acoustic Super Furry's also put a little shiver through the tuning fork. Eh, there was way more music to be had, but it is so hard to remember! I went to see a bit of everything, though. I'll have to have a twinkle about it and try to remember details...look at the old music map!

Saw some deadly comedy acts - not least the Ballyers Eric Lawlor and Willa White, with the superb Des Bishop being the highlight on Sunday night.

Food-wise I had a great steak burger, a bloody lovely indian, an alright chinese, an overrated pie, and a gorgeous crepe...all in all a well eaten weekend, and I would definitely partake in future! Anyone who gives you your chinese noodle curry in a deadly fold-over cardboard box (like the New York ones) with chopsticks is A-OK in my book!

I didn't buy anything at the market. I was on a strict budget (those who saw the messy will-it-won't-it-give-us-food-poisoning barbeque can bear testimony), so the old moneyed fare had to take a back seat.

I spent time in the Body & Soul area, but mostly just to chill out and relax. Not for massage or anything - I find all that stuff a bit creepy, if I'm honest, and bow to the Jerry Seinfeld school of feeling uncomfortable to be receiving that much pleasure! The Chill Out stage, in a natural amphitheatre, was pretty amazing, and I had some good times there...rain or no rain!

The art work was uniformly mediocre, with flashes of inspiration. So there.

I didn't get to go to the silent disco! The queues were so long every night, that it just felt like when I got to the top they'd say 'sorry love, no wellies tonight', and I'd just have to stumble back to my campsite!

Didn't do paintball. Didn't have the co-ordination!

The Cinema was slightly less than amazing. Dirty and not very comfy, it kinda went against what I thought the cinema would be! It needed more cushions, beanbags, and a 'don't put your wellies on the seats' sign...but I watched a bit of 'Waking Life', which I enjoyed, but everyone else thought was up it's own hole, and saw bits and pieces of other things. Didn't stay for a whole movie - the screen was too small! Although I am a self-confessed movie snob, so you should probably assume it was alright....

Damien Rice's 'Big Tree' thing was a bit of a flop. The sound was aggressively shite throughout, and he was the only one I bothered staying around for. The rest of the music was of the whiney variety which, even if the sound had have been perfect, would probably still have sounded pretty pants! Damien, I admire the sentiment, but try to keep those wily feet planted on the ground, so that you can actually think of the technicalities of it all in future!!

Didn't get into a Poetry Slam, or any of the debates. The tent was very small, and always full. Saw a bit of the 'Jesus of Guantanamo' thing, but the guy doing it was just too D4 for words, and wasn't that funny.

Had a good chat with some Amnesty people buzzing around the festival, and I hope they got some new people signed up to this essential cause. Although the whole 'toast to peace' thing was piss.....they did it at 9.50, instead of 10 (like they'd been telling everyone for hours), so loadsa people missed out. And it was over too quickly, without ceremony, after the awful Yeah Yeah Yeahs (no no no). Bit of a flop!

But, yeah, all in all the festival was fantastic, and if I wasn't planning to be in my favourite place this time next year (anywhere but here), I'd be at it again with bells on!!!

Woo hooo for Electric Picnic - an adult festival at last (although I made a bit of a boo-boo, and bought coke-sized cans of Bulmers. Looked like I was training to drink - they were STABALISER cans....felt like a twat....)

Electric Picnic I hardly knew ye!

Reasons for my being over-the-top excited and almost fanatically foaming at the mouth at the prospect of Electric Picnic. Be warned, it's a REALLY long tribute...

Music:
Friday I will enjoy; Damien Rice, PJ Harvey, Mogwai, Stereotonic DJ's, The Rumours. Saturday; Groove Armada, New Order, The Frames, Bloc Party, Belle & Sebastian, Super Furry Animals, DJ Shadow, Graham Coxon, 2 Many DJ's, Messiah J & The Expert. Sunday; Pet Shop Boys (for the laugh), Basement Jaxx, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Gnarls Barkley, Rufus Wainwright…and much more!

Comedy:
Joy in the Hood TV peeps, Eric Lawlor and Willa White, Doktor Cocacolamcdonalds (fresh from glowing reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival), Naked Camera's PJ Gallagher and Maeve Higgins, Jason Byrne, Neil Delamere (not hilarious, but alright), Karl Spain, Gerry Mallon, Des Bishop.

Food:
“The Electric Picnic is very proud to be able to provide a hugely diverse variety of high quality healthy food options – organic where possible, to suit all palettes and many vegetarian & vegan choices. Thai curries, Japanese noodles, Mexican burritos, French crepes, smoked fish tapas, hot bread, organic vegan snacks, fresh Irish chowder, bagels, maple & pecan or organic Green & Blacks chocolate porridge, Fair Trade coffee, freshly squeezed juice bars, herbal teas & chai lattes plus organic ice-creams are just a small taster from the overall Picnic menu.”

Market:
“The Market Area features an eclectic and exotic assortment of handmade clothes, jewellery and artefacts from Ireland, Japan, Mexico, Africa, Thailand, Russia, Peru, Tibet, Bali and Indian plus lots of other little treats and trinkets. Watch out for the gorgeous lantern stall, plus the wacky Bubble Inc & Fairylove stalls, all of which add a little sprinkle of magic to the weekend!”

Body & Soul 2006:
“70 of Ireland's finest holistic therapists offering sessions ranging from Swedish Massage to Deep Tissue Massage, Shiatsu to Thai Massage, and Tarot Card Reading to Palmistry. There will be experiential workshops in Indian Head Massage, Belly Dancing, African Drumming, Overtone Singing, Dance, Meditation and Yoga. The small but beautiful Chill Stage is nestled in a natural amphitheatre for musicians and performers whose music aims to soothe the soul and subtly wiggle the hips and you can enjoy acoustic music and story telling by the fireside at various tipis.
Nourish your belly with organic food, sushi, Fair Trade and holistic goodies.

There's the ambient lounge with beanbags, thought provoking documentaries, performance and installation art and chai..........and just you wait until night time when it all comes alive! Committing random acts of kindness is our only request (and some litter picking too, so that even nature can have a rest!) Come along and find what you find and take some of it back home!”

Creative Collectives:
“Catalyst are a team of creative individuals who encourage unrestricted creative freedom and interaction. They will be transforming a space and in the process create a highly decorative, comfortable, sociable and beautiful space using an eclectic range of ideas and talents. They aim to feature creativity in all aspects. From the geodesic dome complete with soothing lighting effects, hammocks, cushions & projections, to the three 'flower seats' with flora & fauna décor, the space-hopper seating for bouncing, chilling or inevitably sleeping!
There are sculptures designed out of scrap metal and a 8ft tall motorized drumming robot!
They will have an amazing cartoonist and foam sculptor on site who will be knocking up painted sculptures.

There will also be workshops and performances throughout the day from the good natured ridiculousness of the crew, silly costume and spontaneous spinning and juggling.”

Silent Disco:
In the Silent Disco everybody who joins in gets given a wireless headphone. The sound is superb, as is the spectacle (apparantly). A radio deejay show gives a tour through very varied music styles.

Misc:
Artists, sculptors, street performers, jugglers, stilt-walkers, magicians

Supershot Paintball:
The most advanced Base Camp in Irish Paintball will be open to Electric Picnic festival goers

CINEMA:
Joy of joys!!! Dressed with dramatic velvet draping, giant beanbags and popcorn on hand. Running 24 hours - around the clock all weekend - a wide selection of cult classic and music films chosen by you the festival goers will be shown including:

The Big Lebowski
Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
Kill Bill
Zoolander
Team America: World Police
The Royal Tenenbaums

and many many more (tbc).

The Ireland qualifier football match will be shown on Saturday
The All Ireland Hurling will be shown on Sunday

Big Tree:
A non-profit, eco-awareness area of the festival serving organic, Fair Trade food. “Big Tree was set up partly to give artists another outlet, outside of their 'official' performance at Electric Picnic, and also as a setting for impromptu performances & possible collaborations for artists performing elsewhere at the festival, where music continues into the night after the other stages at the festival close down. In addition, 20 native trees will be planted by the 'Native Woodland Trust' for every act who performs on the Big Tree stage and all remaining profit shall be given to a well established animal shelter in West Cork (see below for further details).

Friends of the Earth:
At Electric Picnic 2006 Friends of the Earth is giving festival goers the opportunity to raise their voice against climate change.
Participants will be able to challenge government leaders by making their personal Climate Pledge on a life-size speech bubble, such as "I will cycle to work more often and in return I want the government to invest more in public transport". Your photograph and pledge will go on the Friends of theEarth website and with this will form part of a massive video installation at the UN climate talks in Kenya in November, with pledges from around theworld. Friends of the Earth can also pass on your Climate Pledge to theIrish government which is running a public consultatuon on climate change until the end of September. At the Electric Picnic you can have your say and play your part in stopping climate chaos.

At last year's Electric Picnic people painted hundreds of messages to world leaders on wooden tiles which Friends of the Earth displayed with thousands more from around Europe in a huge mosaic at the UN talks in Montreal, where politicians agreed a new deal to strengthen the fight against climate change.You can see photos of messages from last year's festival in the Montrealmosaic on Friends of the Earth's Climate Pledge website.

The Leviathan Think Tank:
‘Poetry Slam’ with Emmy-award winning Raven (Los Angeles, US); Ben Kritikos (New York, US); and Brendan Murphy (Liverpool, UK) - winner of the 2006 Cúirt International Festival poetry slam. ‘Jesus of Guantanamo’ – highlights from Abie Philbin-Bowman’s satire. ‘Mars Bars and Baby Sharks’ – a panel of special guests including writers, musicians, artists and media types relate their favourite rock'n'roll myths and legends and read from their favourite books about music - from Led Zeppelin and the Hammer of the Gods to Ronan Keating's autobiography. ‘Speakers Corner' – from free speech initiatives, Rossa Ó Snodaigh (Kila founder member), Ciaron O’Reilly (Australian free speech and anti-war campaigner), Robbie Sinnot (journalist, campaigner and NEAR FM broadcaster) and special guests vent spleen and debate issues philosophical, temporal, Biblical and plain daft. Hecklers, orators and ranters welcome to join in. ‘Leviathan Political Cabaret’ – Ireland's only political cabaret, featuring a Molotov cocktail of debate, satire, music, comedy and cartoons, is hosted by writer and broadcaster David McWilliams. Incendiary interactive debate on topics such as "Is the music industry an empire in decline?", "Should all drugs be legalised?", with very special guest panellists from the media, the music business and beyond.

Amnesty International Irish Section:
“Electric Picnic is teaming up with Amnesty International Irish Section to bring a human rights dimension to this year's festival.

At Electric Picnic 2006, Amnesty International Irish Section will attempt to set a world record for the largest ever toast. The "Big Toast" is aimed at creating the largest toast "to freedom" in the world.

The significance of "…to freedom," lies in the very history of Amnesty. In 1961 Amnesty's founder, Peter Benenson was driven to action after reading of 2 Portuguese students sentenced to 7 years in prison for raising their glasses in a toast to freedom.
"To freedom from oppression, to freedom from human rights violations, to freedom from torture."

Amnesty's campaigning actions for the festival will focus on issues like torture, rendition and prisoners of conscience. Offering Electric Picnic participants the opportunity to take action on these issues, Amnesty volunteers will be circulating throughout Electric Picnic with postcard actions addressing human rights violations in Darfur, Palestine and Burma, to name a few. The Amnesty tent will be Human Rights Headquarters where people can find out more about the issues, take action, join Amnesty and participate in workshops on a variety of human rights issues.

Amnesty International is made up of ordinary people from across the world standing up for humanity and human rights.
Amnesty's purpose is to protect individuals wherever justice, fairness, freedom and truth are denied.”

Why can't the WORLD be like Electric Picnic???

Ssssssssssiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhhhhh - can't wait!!
www.electricpicnic.ie


Before Electric Picnic what am I doing???

Thursday 24 August - Radiohead
Friday 25 August - Daft Punk

Woo, and indeed, Hoo!!!

Bush n Blair get down and dirty!!

A transcript of the candid-camera conversation between Georgie Wah-Wah Bush and PM Tony Blair-Witch-Project during a break at the G8 conference in Russia.

The US pressie used an expletive - filthy bugger - to describe Hezbollah's attack of Israel. They also discussed intense world issues like the exchange of gifts! The wheels of power, forever turning...'oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light....'

Bush: Yo, Blair. How are you doing? Blair: I'm just...

Bush: You're leaving?

Blair: No, no, no not yet. On this trade thingy...[indistinct]

Bush: Yeah, I told that to the man.

Blair: Are you planning to say that here or not?

Bush: If you want me to.

Blair: Well, it's just that if the discussion arises...

Bush: I just want some movement.

Blair: Yeah.

Bush: Yesterday we didn't see much movement..

Blair: No, no, it may be that it's not, it may be that it's impossible.

Bush: I am prepared to say it.

Blair: But it's just I think that we need to be an opposition...

Bush: Who is introducing the trade?

Blair: Angela [Merkel, the German Chancellor]

Bush: Tell her to call 'em.

Blair: Yes

Bush: Tell her to put him on, them on the spot. Thanks for the sweater - it's awfully thoughtful of you.

Blair: It's a pleasure.

Bush: I know you picked it out yourself.

Blair: Oh absolutely - in fact I knitted it!!!
(laughter)

Bush: What about Kofi? [Annan] - he seems all right. I don't like his ceasefire plan. His attitude is basically ceasefire and everything sorts out.... But I think...

Blair: Yeah, no I think the [indistinct] is really difficult. We can't stop this unless you get this international business agreed.

Bush: Yeah.

Blair: I don't know what you guys have talked about, but as I say I am perfectly happy to try and see what the lie of the land is, but you need that done quickly because otherwise it will spiral.

Bush: I think Condi [US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice] is going to go pretty soon.

Blair: But that's, that's, that's all that matters. But if you... you see it will take some time to get that together.

Bush: Yeah, yeah.

Blair: But at least it gives people...

Bush: It's a process, I agree. I told her your offer to...

Blair: Well... it's only if I mean... you know. If she's got a..., or if she needs the ground prepared as it were... Because obviously if she goes out she's got to succeed, if it were, whereas I can go out and just talk.

Bush: You see the irony is what they need to do is get Syria, to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's all over...

Blair: [indistinct]

Bush: [indistinct]

Blair: Dunno... Syria....

Bush: Why?

Blair: Because I think this is all part of the same thing...

Bush: (with mouth full of bread) Yeah

Blair: Look - what does he think? He thinks if Lebanon turns out fine. If you get a solution in Israel and Palestine, Iraq goes in the right way

Bush: Yeah, yeah, he is struggling.

Blair: He's had it. And that's what the whole thing is about. It's the same with Iraq.

Bush: I felt like telling Kofi to call, to get on the phone to Assad and make something happen.

Blair: Yeah

Bush: [indistinct]

Blair: [indistinct]

Bush: We are not blaming the Lebanese government.

Blair: Is this...?
[Blair taps the microphone in front of him and the sound is cut.]