Thursday, October 19, 2006

Is ‘de-nuclearization’ a word?

The man himself, from

THE PRESIDENT: Last night the government of North Korea proclaimed to the world that it had conducted a nuclear test. We're working to confirm North Korea's claim. Nonetheless, such a claim itself constitutes a threat to international peace and security. The United States condemns this provocative act. Once again North Korea has defied the will of the international community, and the international community will respond.

This was confirmed this morning in conversations I had with leaders of China, and South Korea, Russia, and Japan. We reaffirmed our commitment to a nuclear-free Korean Peninsula, and all of us agreed that the proclaimed actions taken by North Korea are unacceptable and deserve an immediate response by the United Nations Security Council.

The North Korean regime remains one of the world's leading proliferator of missile technology, including transfers to Iran and Syria. The transfer of nuclear weapons or material by North Korea to states or non-state entities would be considered a grave threat to the United States, and we would hold North Korea fully accountable of the consequences of such action.
The United States remains committed to diplomacy, and we will continue to protect ourselves and our interests. I reaffirmed to our allies in the region, including South Korea and Japan, that the United States will meet the full range of our deterrent and security commitments.

Threats will not lead to a brighter future for the North Korean people, nor weaken the resolve of the United States and our allies to achieve the de-nuclearization of the Korean Peninsula. Today's claim by North Korea serves only to raise tensions, while depriving the North Korean people of the increased prosperity and better relations with the world offered by the implementation of the joint statement of the six-party talks. The oppressed and impoverished people of North Korea deserve that brighter future.

Thank you.

The satire, courtesy of the brilliant

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. Shortly before 10:30 this morning, I was roused from my bed by an assistant, and informed that North Korea's Kim Jong Il – the secretive, delusional egomaniac who only became a leader on account of his famous daddy (rolls eyes incredulously) – has announced his country's first-ever nukular weapon test.

Clearly, this a major, historicalistic development; the kind of crisis that makes folks hunger for the sort of rugged, pioneering, bulging-codpiece leadership they've come expect from me during the many, many absolute catastrophes I've caused or made worse. And though there were no cameras there to capture the moment, I want to assure America that I came through yet again: because when they told me that a crazy Chinkotronic leprechaun had the Bomb, only the teensy-weensiest little lump of Texas topsoil seeped out into the Presidential PJ's. (Thumbs up.)

I do confess that it came as a huge surprise that any component of my genius foreign policy wasn't worked perfectly. I mean, I thought I had it down to a science: rain wave after wave of horrific violence on spent, impotent dictators, while actively ignoring psychotic despots who are publicly promising to develop weapons of mass destruction. Who'd a thunk things could go wrong?

I'm reminded of "Terminator 2: Judgment Day?" You know the part where that tough chick with the big hoo-has is at the playground and she sees all the kids playing, and the starts rattling and banging on the fence trying to get their attention, and all the other mothers are just ignoring her because they think she's crazy, and then there's this huge explosive holocaust that kills everyone and turns the chick into a Kentucky Fried corpse, and the explosion takes out like an entire goddamn city, and you're like, "Whooooooa?" Great scene, right?

I always thought that if anyone in the real world was unleashing explosive holocausts, it would be ME, and the city would be actually be an bunch of caves or mosques or kimchee factories, or wherever evildoers live. (And the chick would have bigger tits.) But with today's developments in Koreastan, it turns out I was a little bit off the mark. Now, the city might be Jew York or Homowood, California, and explosion can be courtesy of some slanty-eyed nerd with a bad haircut.

And so tonight, I have a message for Kim Jong Il:
Listen up, Dogbreath – because I want to make one thing clear: Sure, you may have the Bomb. Sure, one of my first acts as President may have been dismantling the one treaty that could have convinced you it would be a bad idea to use it. Sure, I've been deliberately ignoring you like the smelly kid in class who always wears sweatpants, when all you've ever wanted in your life was for someone to give you five minutes of attention. But know this: you may feel like a big boy now that you've got some fancy nukes at your disposal, but I've got a pretty nifty trick of my own: nicknames. When I give a nickname to something, it sticks, and my new name for North Korea is "Iraq 2."

Yes, the USA Unilateral Pre-Emptive War Machine ball is already rolling, my friend. I got on the horn first thing this afternoon, and I started talking at some other world leaders, and I am using a combination of threats, brute force and complete ignorance about your country, culture, and people to alienate them as we speak. Soon, the only people with the will to stand up to you will be us and the Limeys, and you see how well we've done in Texraq. So give it up, you four-eyed Asiatic gopher! If you think I'm not up to the challenge of throwing wave after wave of the disposable lower class losers who make up the military I pretend to respect at your impregnable fortress of a country, you've got another thing coming. What do you think about that, you sissy little pygmy?

I'll be waiting for your reply. At a secret location. In a super, super-deep bunker. Snug and safe.

Good luck, America.

P.S. Have you typed the word 'failure' into Google lately? Perhaps you should....

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